This is a totally pointless post, but at last week’s Crew game, I had a press box conversation with Columbus Dispatch beat writer Adam Jardy that somehow ended up with me recalling the goofy haiku poems that my co-worker Aaron and I used to send with each other more than a decade ago when it was slow at work and we were bored. The haiku that immediately popped to mind were the ones we wrote about Da Ali G Show, which enthralled us back in 2003, which is when these were written. Luckily, I had forwarded the collection to my personal email, so I could find it all these years later. In searching for these, I also found a stash of haiku we wrote about Star Wars, which will undoubtedly delight Jardy if he reads this post.

So if you are a fan of Da Ali G Show or Star Wars, and if you have two minutes to read something pointlessly random, this post is for you. My haiku are denoted with (ss), Aaron’s with (ag).

Da Ali G Show Haiku Poems

Da name’s Ali G
Him be here to heducate
HBO viewers
(ss)

Me be Ali G
Me took me Julie out well
We’s done KFC
(ag)

My name is Borat
I’m big like can of Pepsi
And my wife is dead
(ss)

Mah name… eeees Borat
I like you, do you like me?
I love U S A
(ag)

My man Buzz Lightyear
Hung wif peoples on da moon
Sun’s cold in winter
(ss)

Dees conspirators
Need to recognize da facts
Da moon do exist
(ag)

Star Wars Haiku Poems

(Star Wars nerds, please note: The first one wasn’t technically about Star Wars, but that got it going.)

Earthlings run about
Dancing, laughing, unaware
Death Star looms above
(ag)

It’s impossible
How do stormtroopers go pee?
Warm and sloshy boots
(ss)

The name “TIE fighter”
Twin Ion Engine? Perhaps.
Looks like a bow tie
(ag)

Cookout on Endor
Lots of beer and volleyball
Ewok on a spit
(ss)

Darth Vader’s brother
The lesser-known Darth Jackson
He sells landspeeders
(ag)

Pale skin is blinding
They’re not so imposing now
Wookies doused with Nair
(ss)

Frustrated singles
“Not enough beer for goggles!
This cantina sucks!”
(ss)

Frustrated singles
“No members of my species!
I hate Mos Eisley!”
(ag)

First month’s rent is free!
Spend Hoth winters in comfort!
Warm taun-taun belly!
(ss)

Darth Vader’s death grip
Gets him sued for harassment
He gropes from afar
(ss)

Well, that’s that. I hope you enjoyed this pointlessly random trip down memory lane.